LOVE LIKE A SUICIDE

HB april 2011
 
v.1.
bustin’ out the windows, slammin’ the doors
throwin’ out the ornaments that she once wore
dreamin’ of a better coat than she put on
leave him, she would, on his broken down throne
 
<<lick>>
 
makin up excuses for missin’ her scene
late morning lay-outs dissected her dreams
the first time around she laughed at his jokes 
they’re not quite as funny, when they get caught in your throat
    (…can I love without killing me?...)
 
    she continues to run
    and tries to become a tiny piece
    of what she thinks he needs
 
    she believes all the lies
    inside her mind and runs to him 
    just like a suicide
 
v.2.
she just wanna hold him without all the lines
without the trouble gettin’ them behind
without the jabs, the words that can cut
“don’t try to fix me, let me be messed up”
    (…can you love without fixing me?...)
 
    “love me just as I am
    cause that’s what I am, and that should be 
    all that you ever need”
 
    she continues to hide
    the real her inside, and bend to him 
    just like a suicide
 
 
bridge
the uncomfortable skin, the burn and the ink…
will he like it this time?
    will he like it on me?
        is true love a memory?...
 
swelling with tears as her world comes unglued
she’s a body of water they all can see through…
        
 
(chorus)    she continues to hide
        all of the signs, to cover up 
        pieces of damaged pride
 
        sweet relief in her eyes 
        the pain of surprise to see that she 
        loves him like suicide
 
(outro)        when, she pushes aside
            the darkest of lies, he runs away
            ….GUITAR HOOK….
 
            try, expose all the lies,
            stand up for your life, for every right…
            ….GUITAR HOOK….
 
            stand, expose all the lies
            the pretty disguise
            ….GUITAR HOOK….
 
    don’t continue to hide all of the signs
    and ask,” is your love like a suicide?”

IF I COULD

liz hargett & hank barbee 7.4.2010
 
 
If I could play the game of life
Like I could play a hand of cards
I’d hide the best ones
Cheat the bad ones…
 
If I was dealt the flush royale
I would take my winnings out
Run as far as
Stay as long as…
 
        If I could I would
        Go anywhere with you, my dear
        If I could I would
        Run away to somewhere new
         Or the middle of nowhere
         If I could I would
        With you…
 
 
Oh, how I need a getaway
Where nobody knows my name
And they ask nothing
And I give nothing…out
 
Oh, how I want to cheat today
Stack an ace below an ace
Deal the bottom
Just to win one…time
 
 
            If I could I would
            Go anywhere with you, my dear
            If I could I would
            Run away to somewhere new
              Or the middle of nowhere
            If I could I would
 
                 these are the cards I have been dealt
                     so these are the cards that I will play
                 I only want to fill my days 
                     with love and music…
 
I feel lost within the day
Will I ever find my way?
To the place where
I belong there… home
 
All the lies surround my head
And every tear that I have bled
Can you tame me?
Rearrange me?...please
 
 
            If I could I would
            Sing in cafés, and love my new shade
            If I could I would
            Get away to somewhere new 
            Like the middle of nowhere
            If I could I would…
            …Would you?
 
*thanks Lizzy 

LITTLE MISS AMERICA JONES

HB 7.31.2011
 
America sings in her living room
and dreams that she’s gonna get away
she’ll turn in her keys and wave ‘em goodbye one day
 
she walks so strong as she’s lookin up
she talk the wrong side of the law
there’s a light in her eyes and dark in her heart
Little Miss America Jones
 
    her beautiful ordinary
    was blown across the burnin’ sand
    her ribbons of gold slipped right through my hands
 
now she walks so tall with her head high
she talk an honest life of control
there’s a light in her eyes and a piece of regret in her soul
 
she wakes up loud from her darkest sleep
she’s proud now on both sides of the fall
there’s a light in her eye to cut thru the dark
Little Miss America Jones
 
    her beautiful ordinary
    was blown across the burnin’ sand
    her ribbons of gold slippin’ right through my hands
 
she sings to me in my darkest sleep
she hides me under cover of the road
lies of surprise and pieces of hope
in Little Miss America Jones
 
    **LAP STEEL SOLO **
 
            her beautiful ordinary
            was blown across the burnin’ sand
            her ribbons of gold slipped right through my hands
 
        her pieces of ordinary
        fall upon our virgin hands
    they lighten the load and make a new start 
    for Little Miss America Jones 
 
    just look for the gold right in your heart
    Little Miss America Jones 
        Little Miss America Jones 
            Little Miss America Jones 
 

TANGLED

hank barbee, new years 2010-11
 
I hope I can dream you in color tonight        
I hope I can dream of that smile, it lights up my life                    
 
how do I miss talking to you?
and how I do miss lying with you lying on me
 
tangled all up, wrapped all around, missing your touch
when all I think of is holding you now
 
when you call, I will answer to anything    
for I had not anticipated                        
feeling for you like I do…but I do…            
 
how does she miss holding to me?
how I do miss feeling of her feeling for me
 
and how does she feel when she’s pressed up to me?
and how do I know if it’s meant to be, or if it is true?
 
where is that girl, the one that I love?        
where is the one, that she’s thinking of on this chilly night?        
 
new years eve, but the distance won’t keep me
out of reach, from her heart that heals me
and holding so fast at my side…at my side…
 
all this is hitting me so hard tonight, maybe I’m tired
my head is tight and wrapped around you
 
cause we just belong like an A before B        
like I belong tangled with you when you’re tangled with me            
 
well, I’ll come back, to Carolina time
I’ll leave the west to lonely Mountain Time
cause you wake me up inside…deep inside…
 
and when you call, I will answer to anything
for I had not anticipated
feeling for you like I do…but I do…
 

DELUGE

HB 5.11.11
 
there’s a deluge comin’ down                    
we’re baggin’ sand and stackin’ ground            
pilin’ them up along every mile                
gonna meet the flood in a little while            
 
there’s a deluge runnin’ off
grindin’ an beatin’ on the levee walls
its an ocean motion pushin’ over field and lake
our pieces of home in a lost wake
 
    we’re holdin’ onto nothing, “where we gonna go?”    
 
        salvation is on the river                    
        muddy waters on the banks                    
        where only scar and stain remain                
        all that once was, washed away                
 
there’s a deluge comin’ down
we loaded the car and we’re leavin’ town
draggin’ what we can from the muddy street
and a pair of shoes for the little feet
 
trailer park momma, got her head down
two at her side, one in her gown
poolin’ up the sorrow as she wades along
she never had a thing worth bettin’ on
 
    she’s holding on for life, “don’t let me go”            
 
        salvation is on the river                        
        muddy waters on the banks                
        where only scar and stain remain                
        all that once was, washed away                
 
 
            hold me on, hold me on, hold me on the river        
            hold me on, hold me on, hold me on the river        
            hold me on, hold me on, hold me on the river        
            hold me on, hold me on, hold me on the river    
                    

HARDWIRED

hb 5.3.11
 
hardwired
I need a rewire
desire
done ruined my veins
all I want for Christmas is a poundin’-heart-beatin’-brain
 
live wire
I never get tired
inspired
I put the bullets away
clean up every spigot-leakin’-road-leavin’-insane
 
blues’n an refusin’ , keep on usin’ up another day
blowin up and throwin up and swishin’ out my sippy cup
 
flipside
it left me hangin’ on the
darkside
I put your picture away
post-traumatic-loneliness-disorder-under-ordained
 
untied
don’t wanna feel it on the
inside
don’t wanna feel it again
sifting-thru-the-rubble-of-her-wreckage-made-my-head-spin
 
blues’n an refusin’ , keep on usin’ up another day
blowin up and throwin up and swishin’ out my sippy cup
 
frantic on the outside, I was sleepin’ on the in
where the poet laid his beats down,  I tried hard to walk within
I was waking up so shaken up, and just shakin’ to the core 
I tried to live like I was dyin’ just to live a little more
 
and when the angels and their devils on my shoulders where they sit
would holler thru my empty cavern of a head and throw their fits
I tried to die like I was livin’ just to die again some more
but my disease just like a cancer grew to treat me like a whore
 
I was usin’ I was blues’n and never refused a single hit
I was boozin’ out and snoozin’ out and I know I need to quit
all this passin’ out and screamin’ out for help why can’t you hear
all the voices in my head I know you hear them all my dear
 
never knew I had it in me nothing ever looked this strange
all this life was leading up to diagnose myself as crazy
I stumbled in the dark to find the bottle or the gun
help me hold this trigger, baby, whatever happened to our fun?
 
hot wired
still on the run, dear
so tired
of sleepin here on the train
dose-dramatic-paranoid-a-paranormal-freeze-frame
 
tongue tied
under-water-shed
a rip tide
come to rattle my cage
wakin-up-so-shaken-up-an-shaking-off-the-insane
wakin-up-so-shaken-up-an-shaking-off-the-insane
wakin-up-so-shaken-up-an-shaking-off-the-insane

SWINGTIME

hank barbee, may 2011
 
oh, the evening air is so fine                
under half moon and blue clouded sky    
    laid like a blanket                
    across the old bricks            
    of the city                        
 
almost in black, almost in white            
lonely and gray under streetlight            
    dark but not dreary                
    its brisk out here                 
    but not chilly                    
 
and if you were here now                
I would write your name in the sandbox        
we could merry go round                 
and drag our toes in circles                
    and crawl hand in hand                        
    to the top of the slide                
    I am king of the world                
    with you by my side                
let’s unwind                             
on swingtime                    
 
have you ever seen a pendulum dance?
coming up weightless, coming up chance
    hanging so holy
in the vertigo
    known as lonely
 
and if you were still mine
we could write our names in the sandbox
we would merry go round 
and drag our toes in circles
    and we could make out
    on the top of the slide
    to hell with the world
    when you’re by my side
my favorite one
but you’re late, hon’
for swingtime
 
I need to swing weightless and free
to unravel threads of old memories
    take off  these blues
    and forget I care 
    about you
 
 

BABY BLUES

HB august 2010
 
Good evening, baby blues                    
Down in the dumps tonight, weren’t you?        
Visions and futures dance in your head        
Baby blues, have you heard what I’ve said?    
 
Clouds were forming as you slept
Every dream in your slumbering head
Hoping to hold out, missing your chance
A fitful night for the hours you’ve wept
 
    Don’t spend the rest of your life in this town    
    Some people can, they are supposed to        
    Some of them aren’t  like me and you            
    We’re supposed to get out, baby blues            
 
15 years has seen us confused
Keeping up with time and keeping up on you
All things change through truth or dare
Couldn’t wait to get gone, now I’m scared
 
    You will get out and see the world anew
    You will change the world and it will change you
    This little town ain’t got a thing for you
    It’s time to get out, baby blues
 
It’s one in a million, when you go
Goodbye stings, but the rest won’t hurt
It’s all gonna work out, whatever you do
It’s all gonna work so take it easy on you…
    please take care of you…
 
    You will get out and see the world anew
    You will change the world and it will change you
    This little town ain’t got a thing for you
    Don’t forget what I say, baby blues
 
    Wherever  you go I’ll be with you
    Don’t forget what I say, baby blues
    Remember that I always love you

THESE WERE THE DAYS

HB 2.19.2011
 
 
these were the days we were gonna run        
we were gonna come, disappear into        
this was the time our feet would plant
into the sand, of a distant sunny blue
 
these were the days we were gonna fly
into the west, on a sweet by and by
and those were the times in every life
of quick goodbyes, and never ending highs
 
 
    and I dream…                    
    I see your face like a mystery            
    it’s comin’ clean                    
    on sentimental blues                    
 
    and I say…                         
    your eyes shine like a holiday                
    lighting up my way                
    those sentimental blues                
 
 
these were the nights when we had it all
before the fall, ripped us right in two
and this is the day I dread to see
where you and me, would never meet again
 
 
but now is the time in every life
for slow goodbyes, I’ve finally realized
that nothing lasts
longer than it’s time…
 
 
*for my brother Jon*

GIVE BACK

hank barbee
july 2011
 
 
what can I give to repay what’s been given me?                                       
what does a man have to share when he’s lost everything?
what does a man feel worth when there’s not much left within?
when it’s way too soon to let it all go, too late to start over again?
 
 
I only have the wise words I heard a wise man say                
I have no more saving grace than a bum who begs for change     
I only need an ear sometimes or a hand to help me through    
cause some days all I give back is my guitar and the truth    
 
 
which way does a man go times he needs love?        
when things aren’t as they seem and he’s livin with his ghosts?        
when he’s run as far as he can run and been farther than he knows?    
when he takes the road less traveled on and just winds up at home?    
 
 
I only have the wise words I heard a wise man say                
I can wrap you in my arms or I can take the blame             
I can lend an ear sometimes or a hand to help you through    
but some days all I give back is my guitar and the truth
 
 
I only have the wise words I heard a wise man say                
I have no more saving grace than a bum who begs for change     
I only need an ear sometimes or a hand to help me through    
cause some days all I give back is this guitar and the truth
    

THE HARDEST THING

HB 7.26.2010
 
I gave up the money
I gave up on the gun
I gave up all the smoking
Before it took my lungs
 
I gave up the pills
I gave up on the booze
But the hardest thing I ever did 
Was givin up on you…
 
    I gave up on some friends
    I gave up on the lights
    The buses and the vans
    And all the airplane flights
 
    I gave up all the highs
    And now I’m living in the lows
    I hoped that it would kill me quick
    But it’s been too damn slow…
        
            When I gave up on love
            Love gave up on us
            Everything I gave
            It never was enough
            The hardest thing I ever did    
            Was watch it slip away…
 
I gave up your laughs
Every evening walk
Sunday afternoons
And all our late night talks
 
I gave up the chance
To call you by my name
Now I’m feelin lost
And I’m the only one to blame…
    When I gave up on love
    Love gave up on us
    Everything I gave away
    Never meant that much
    The hardest thing I ever did
    Was watch it slip away…
 
 
            I gave up the warmth
            On her side of the bed
            Because of the highway
            And the voices in my head
            I gave up the hope
            Of falling back into her love
            when she spoke the words I hate to hear
            “it may not be enough…”
 
I gave up my soul
Looking for a change
I listened to the voice
The one who set the flame…
 
        When I gave up on love
        Love gave up on us
        Everything I gave up
        Never was enough
        When I gave up on love
        Love gave up on us
        Everything I gave up
        Never meant that much
 
        Reachin for an end to hold 
        I feel it slip away